I am so upset that I want to throw my teenager onto the streets!  This child tells me I have to treat her like she is an adult and then whines and sulks like a three-year-old.  She begs me to trust her and I give her the space to prove herself. For example, she tells me she is keeping up with her homework and then she comes home with a failing test grade and complains that the world is unfair and she deserves to be treated better.  As long as I hold her hand and give her sympathy she seems happy.  However, the moment I pose a question that asks her to consider her responsibility, she explodes in anger.  Then there is the issue of how much time she spends with her friends.  The other day she said she was going to spend an hour or so with friends and I agreed, even though it was a school night.  Next thing I know it is 1:30am and she still wasn't home, and I didn't know where she was!  At that point I was worried enough I couldn't get back to sleep so I sat up reading a book until she arrived home at 2:30am!  When I asked her where she was, she just huffed and went to bed.  What can I do about this situation?

Signed,   A Wounded Parent

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Parenting a child in his or her teens and twenties can sometimes seem like a thankless task.  This is largely because teens and twenties are still dependent on the parent and yet act in ways that tell us our input is not always wanted - at least not at the time we want to share our wisdom with them.  The first thing to remember with children in their teens and twenties is that, as parents, we will never get it perfect. The question is, am I content with being a good enough parent?  Am I able to celebrate the good days and the positive conversations we have together?  Often the best thing is to give ourselves a sense of perspective.  Next, it is often helpful to remind myself I do not have to solve my child's problems.  This is sometimes difficult, especially when the child is raging about an injustice they have experienced or it looks like their problem may cost me money, time or emotional energy,.  A very helpful strategy is to remind yourself that this is her problem.  Then, instead of reacting to the complaint, acknowledge how much the situation has upset her.  On the surface this may not seem satisfying but it will save you from getting into a fight over "I told you so!" or treating her like a child by telling her what to do.  Another response you might consider is to say, "This sounds like a difficult situation, I wonder, what do you want me to do?"  This forces the child to chose between complaining and working on a solution.  Third, the parent's role changes when children get to their teens and twenties.  Many parents use coercive power when their children are young.  By this I mean that they tell their children where they can and cannot go, whom they can associate with, and enforce punishments when the child misbehaves.  It is a different story with teens where the only authority you may have left is a moral authority based on the parent's positive relationship with his or her child.  This is the time to begin asking the child to help you explain how a particular action or decision will help the child achieve his or her goals.  Four, it is important as a parent to let your teenager feel anxious about his or her decisions or actions.  In the example of the failing grade, you might say something like, "I'm sorry you didn't do well on that test.  Do you know whether you have any options for improving your grade?"  In this situation, the parent allows the child to experience the natural consequences of failure.  In addition to this, the conflict remains where it belongs, between the child and her conscience.  Finally, it has been said, "It takes a village to raise a child".  This is just as true for teens as it is for younger children.  My suggestion is that instead of fighting at 2:00a.m. because you didn't know where she was, that you ask your teen to provide you with details concerning her activities, including where she is planning to go and how to get in touch with her if there is an emergency.  You can also use this discussion both to negotiate a reasonable time for getting home that is respectful of the fact that other members of the household need a good night's sleep, as well as to decide on a reasonable consequence if she comes home late.  Best wishes,

I am a teenager. When people say "High school is the best time in your life", I long to remind them that everyday I deal with pressures you cannot seem to remember. We are not as carefree as you think. Every article of clothing I wear, every song I like immediately puts me into a category. I am watched carefully by not only my peers, but also society. Baggy jeans make me a skater. Obviously I am into punk music, a lot of drugs, and vandalism. Adidas make me a jock. I am probably a snob who drinks a lot. Forget this. Remember that I am struggling to find my identity. Don’t label me. It will only teach me to limit myself.

As a teenager I am watched carefully. I am not welcome in malls or stores. A group of 16-year-olds seems to be more deadly than a plague. We aren’t all bad. Expect the worst and that’s probably what you’ll get. Treat us with the respect we long for and we will most likely return it. Remember that we are lost in a gap that seems to stretch for years. We cannot act like children anymore but we aren’t accepted as adults yet. Try to understand the confusion that comes with this. We are trying to grow, mature, but there is so much holding us back. We deal with relationships, sex, drugs, pressure, and fear of being a "geek" everyday. Most of these things we aren’t ready for but try anyway. Avoid the temptation to lecture us silly when it all falls apart. And please don’t dismiss our feelings or relationships because we are young. Nothing hurts more than being told your life is not important.

All any of us want is a little respect, some trust, and someone who cares. This list doesn’t say we are perfect. We make a lot of mistakes and we know we often deserve the consequences. Just be there. Understand that beneath the parties and dances, high school can be hell.

Signed, A 16-year old

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Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

I have tried everything and nothing works, Charlotte. I need some help. My husband and I have been married for 18 years and we have three kids, aged 13, 11 and 5. We have tried hard to be good parents and I thought we were doing a great job of it, too. But now our teenage daughter, Angela, has different ideas about our lives. She has some new friends that I do not think are good for her. Her boyfriend is one of these kids who wears black, has two earrings and likes weird music. Now Angela has dyed her hair purple with an orange stripe. She has started to go out at night and to stay out until midnight, even on school nights. And she is being rude to me calling me names and refusing to go anywhere with me. Mind you, I am not sure I want to go anywhere with her either, with her current hair! I have worked so hard on these kids, I have always supported my kids by taking them to activities, buying them the latest clothes and taking them out for a meal every so often. I don’t get it, now I am the villain. What did I do to deserve this treatment? I am really fed up with her attitude. What can I say to her to make her change, Charlotte? Surely there is some way to get her to smarten up.

Susan

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The issues you have raised about your adolescent daughter are often a source of worry to parents. Our children shift gears when they move from pre-adolescence into adolescence and they require very different parenting strategies. Some of the behaviours that you have written about, while they may be irritating, do not pose safety or morality problems; the best way to handle these less serious matters is to try not to worry and to relax.

Of the issues you have identified, the late week night hours seem the most problematic. Thirteen-year-olds do need to have a reasonable curfew. I suggest you talk your curfew policy over with Angela, include your concerns and your expectations and ask her for input. In the discussion, you might want to let her know at what age the curfew will be more relaxed. That way she will be able to see that it is not permanent.

When she is rude, you could discuss the impact that the comments have on you and on the family using "I" statements such as "I feel hurt when you say that." As far as hair colour is concerned, it is really a matter of personal taste - but I think you could tell her that her choice of hair colour does not match your taste. It’s ok to be honest, but don’t serve this kind of statement about hair colour up for breakfast every morning. Constant repetition of your concern will just increase the problem.

And Susan, you also need some support. I encourage you to find one or two friends that you trust, or a counsellor, so that you can have a place to get support and encouragement when you start to feel the frustration coming on. Just because you are having these problems does not mean that you are a failure as a parent. You may feel much differently when Angela is 35 years old. Good luck to both you and to Angela.