Ted and I are getting married next month. I am worried that we may have some problems after we are married with our children. I have two daughters. Suzie is 7 years old and Rebecca is 11 years old. He has one son, Terry, aged 12. The kids have not been very cooperative ever since Ted and I started to go out together last spring. I don’t get it. Surely they can see that Ted and I are a lot happier now that we are together. It seems like they do not want us to be happy.

His son, Terry, is always telling Rebecca and Suzie how to live. According to Terry, Rebecca and Suzie are doing everything wrong. When I allow the girls to go to their friends down the street, Terry tells them that they should not be allowed to go to the friends until they have finished their homework. Terry also tells me that I cannot tell him what to do because I am not his mother.

Ted and I have talked about this problem and we just cannot understand what is happening. All of the kids were well behaved and agreeable before we announced we were going to get married. Now all hell has broken loose. Ted loves the girls and I love Terry and we want to just be one big happy family but it seems the kids have other ideas. Any suggestions?

Darlene

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You and Ted are in the process of developing a blended family - a real challenge for any couple. The issues facing blended families can be very complex. When a couple is joining two families, there are many things that they need to consider. The children will be grieving the loss of their old family even if it was not a happy situation. No one finds change an easy process, even positive change. New family rules will also be needed for the blended family. The couple also will need to draw a line between concerns for the couple to resolve and family concerns.

What seems to be helpful for blended family architects such as you and Ted is clear communication between the man and the woman about family rules and expectations. When the adults care and they are clear about their expectations, the kids find it easier to adjust. Developing new families takes time - it is easy to make mistakes along the way. We seldom have role models in our families that can guide us to develop a blended family.

In families like yours, one of the most important things it to proceed with patience. You and Ted need to sit down together and try to figure out how discipline will be handled in new family and then Ted will need to share those decisions with Terry. You may also want to have a family meeting that involves every member of the family to discuss the expectations and rules so that everyone has the same understanding. I wish you

Good luck and patience in building your new family.

My husband and I are separated and we have one son, Jason. Wilf has regular visitation access with Jason and he is really good dad for Jason. Jason has lots of fun with him and I am happy that Jason still has a good relationship with Wilf. But my problem is the way that Wilf treats me. He never calls if he is going to be late, or he calls at the last minute and leaves me holding the bag. I have to explain to Jason why dad is not there when he is supposed to be. Sometimes Wilf tells me what to do and treats me like a secretary asking me to bring him Jason’s report card, and give messages to Jason’s teacher for him. He takes me for granted, just like he used to when we were married. When I tell him that I have a problem with his behaviour, he gets angry. I would like to tell him to take a hike but I do not want to destroy his relationship with Jason. How can I get out of this problem Charlotte?

Jane

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I think you have hit on a nerve for many separated and divorced families. How can we continue in a co-parenting relationship even though we do not choose to be together any more as a couple? How can this be done? Well, it is not easy. Basically you need to do your part as a mother and refuse to do Wilf’s part as a father.

Research indicates that when parents can develop a business-like relationship to co-parent their children it usually works out well. No, you are not his secretary, you are his equal partner in the business of raising children. Like in many successful businesses a good co-parenting arrangement requires both clarity of expectations and sharing of responsibilities. You and your partner might benefit from sitting down at a table together and working out clearly defined rights and responsibilities. As in a business partnership, the clearly stated division of roles will allow for both parties to function best. Most importantly, your children will be happier as a result. The children need to know that their parents have developed a clear plan.

Although there may be some difficult times in working out the details, but the effort is well worth it. Good luck to you, Wilf and Jason. I know that you can do it.