My wife and I have been married for over 10 years. I'm aware that all relationships have their ups and downs, but lately we seem to be arguing over little things. When she tries to talk to me about money (an issue that we argue over frequently), I tend to feel blamed. When I feel blamed, I 'clam up' and we often end up not speaking to each other for days. Do you have any suggestions about how we could communicate better?
From, One Step Away From DivorceIt is true that conflict can be expected in all relationships. In fact, it is not arguments per se that are the problem, but rather that partners need to navigate their way through difficult issues with respect and a willingness to hear the other person's feelings and words. Sometimes, couples are able to negotiate and compromise, while other times, they may have to "agree to disagree", without seeing this as being disloyal or unfaithful. Some other things to think about when you and your partner disagree: try avoiding a 'harsh startup', that is, where one partner begins to express a concern in a critical or accusatory way. This usually promotes defensiveness and counter-accusations, making people feel worse. Another common problem in disagreements is when a partner's feelings get hurt, there can be a tendency to "stonewall" or practice "the silent treatment". This is because when we feel "flooded" by feelings, we tend to withdraw from our partners, again, often making people feel worse. One way to get things back on track is by practicing what we call "repair attempts". These are little gestures that say "I'm sorry" or "can we start again?" Repair attempts an go a long way in sending your partner the message that you care about your relationship. Good luck!
My wife and I usually have a good relationship, but when we have a serious disagreement, which is about once every two months, it feels to me that our relationship is in jeopardy. Typically, we will fight over a relatively small issue, such as chores or whether we should go out on Saturday night. When we can’t reach an agreement, my wife tends to withdraw and not talk with me, sometimes for a couple of days. If I try to approach her during this time, I usually get rebuffed. She tells me that she needs time to think, and doesn’t want to say anything rash. This starts me thinking that something is seriously wrong with our relationship, and that I had better take steps to protect myself from being hurt. Before you know it, in my mind I have already moved out and "moved on". By the time that my wife and I do end up speaking to resolve the issue, I am very stressed out and upset. What can I do about this problem?
Signed, Stressed OutIt is important to remember that healthy relationships experience conflict from time to time. The less healthy relationships are those in which there is little permission for partners to express their thoughts and feelings to each other, even when they don’t agree.
Conflict resolution within a relationship takes hard work, and the cornerstone of this is maintaining respect towards each other. This can be difficult when two people have different styles of problem solving. This is often the case because of family of origin influences, as well as experiences problem solving with other partners. The more that a couple can work towards co-operation, mutual problem solving and a willingness to listen to each other and try out alternatives, the greater the likelihood that they will experience increased intimacy.Establishing some ground rules for communication may help this process: You may experience more success if you are able to honor your partner’s request for space. Then, in your search for an agreement together, listen to the feelings behind the words, without interruption: stay on the issue, while avoiding the pitfalls of name-calling, bringing up the past and mind-reading: agree on a time to best discuss the issue, then choose an alternative solution that you can try together. You may also find that a family therapist can help facilitate this process.
Finally, if this painful process continues to occur internally with you, you may wish to seek individual counselling to assist with looking at possible issues of insecurity and loss that you may be experiencing.
I am wondering about what I should do. I have been married for 15 years to a wonderful woman and although we have had our struggles, we love each other very much and as far as I can tell our marriage is intact and strong. What I am wondering about these days is unusual. It seems that my wife is going through some sort of mid-life crisis or something. She is happy enough but she wants to go out and spend time with her girlfriends. I believe that she is past this behaviour and that hanging out with "the girls" is something people do in their teens and twenties. Also, I wonder what she does when she goes out and if she is getting involved with another man. I would like your professional opinion about my wife’s behaviour and also how to go about handling her adventures with her girlfriends.
From: Husband Left at HomeAt Home,
In terms of a professional opinion about your wife’s behaviour, I don’t think I can make one. Often people return to activities they enjoyed previously in their lives simply because they were enjoyable. In addition, your wife may truly benefit from her relationships with her women friends. However, given that you are in a relationship with her, it will be up to the two of you to negotiate what is acceptable and unacceptable between you. My belief is that most behaviour is acceptable provided that no one is getting hurt or is likely to get hurt, either physically, emotionally, or spiritually in the process. It sounds like you might have mixed feelings about your wife’s behaviour and some insecurity about whether or not she might get involved with another person. Not wanting to sound redundant, I encourage you to talk to her about these concerns.
We are all capable of communicating less effectively when we are upset, so I suggest you ask your wife to set some time aside for the two of you to talk and then prepare yourself so that you are calm when entering the conversation. You might begin by asking your wife to help you understand what she enjoys about going out with her girlfriends. Although you may not want the same thing for yourself, you may be able to appreciate what she enjoys about the experiences.
I am wondering what kind of advice you can provide. I have been out of the dating scene for quite some time and was beginning to convince myself that I could be very happy on my own—single, without children, and having lots of freedom. However, I have recently met a woman, named Nancy, who is very attractive and interested in me. For years I thought that I wanted to get married, start a family and be with someone. Now, I am not so sure because I like my freedom. This person is very sweet and would be good to get to know and hang around with but I am also not sure this is fair to her. Another problem with the whole thing is that we are in different life places. I am in my early thirties and mid-career whereas she is planning to return to graduate school in the fall. I don’t want to start a relationship that will be short-lived because I don’t want to hurt Nancy. I also do not believe in becoming intimately involved with someone just for the fun of it.
So I am feeling a little stuck as to what to do. I like her but don’t think that in the long run our relationship will have any staying power for me. I don’t know what she is thinking but I certainly want to be careful to not hurt her.
So any thoughts on what I should do?
MartinI think you identified a very important fact in your letter to me and that is, you don’t know what Nancy is thinking. There is temptation to not communicate directly with others, especially when a relationship is newly formed. For the most part, it is our fears that get in the way. As you state, sometimes we are afraid that by telling the truth we will hurt the other person. At other times, we just hope another person might catch on to what we want or think and that we will, somehow, eventually figure out the same for them.
Before you do anything, it might helpful to spend some time reflecting on what you want. It could be that you truly are happy as a single person and want to continue on with your current way of living. It could also be that you are interested in Nancy, but she is not a good enough fit for you. You mentioned the "different places in life"-- you may want to ask yourself, how important it is that you be in the same place in life? Once you have done some more reflecting you may or may not get clarity on what you want. Please remember, it is OK not to be certain of what you want.
Next, I am thinking that the best thing you can do is to be honest with Nancy. Let her know about where you stand in terms of a relationship with her. You might decide that you want to pursue a relationship to see what develops or you may truly know that she is not a good fit for you. You may want to share about your values regarding casual involvement, your ambivalence in being involved and in even beginning to be involved with someone.
In my experience, it is always preferable for people, myself included, to hear this kind of information early and clearly as opposed to finding out later. It may not be easy to hear but it provide important information for Nancy to make decisions and the direct communication may prevent further hurt. Best wishes,
