My friends and family have been telling me for some time that I have an anger problem and now I’m beginning to believe them. Last night when I got home, I was so wound up by something someone said at work that I just lost it. Thank goodness no one was around at the time. I was in the kitchen, and I ended up throwing a tray of glasses against the wall and smashing every one of them. Of course I then had to go about cleaning it up so that no one would find out.

Everything seems to be getting me mad these days. I am angry when people cut me off, when I’m waiting for a red light,and especially when I am in line at the grocery store. I have begun to alienate some of my co-workers and even my boyfriend because I seem to be pretty grumpy most of the time. I have heard about anger management techniques but I don’t know what these are. Is this something you know about? Would it work for me?

Signed, Angry and Fed Up

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Because life can be stressful and frustrating for many people at times, they need to practice ways to deal with their angry feelings in a way that feels healthy and productive. This involves learning to channel your anger, rather than " stuffing it" [pretending it doesn’t exist], "escalating it" or "displacing it" [misdirecting] anger.

Many people find that anger occurs in somewhat of a cycle. An "anger moment" is triggered by an external event: your anger increases when you appraise the situation in a negative way or your expectations are not met: body sensations, like sweating, teeth clenching, tension in the neck, etc., begin to increase: an anger action occurs, based on either a good choice or a less productive choice: relief is obtained, and you calm down until the next incident arises.

What can you do to lessen the intensity and frequency of this cycle and make better choices so that your relationships with others are not compromised? Begin with validating this feeling and taking responsibility for your anger. Ask yourself some focusing questions, such as, "Who am I really angry with?", "What is it that I am really mad about?" and "Am I really feeling angry, or is it frustration, hurt, shame, etc?". Practice anger management strategies that promote staying in control, such as, Stop!, Think!, then Act!. Take a " time out" just before you are tempted to smash glasses or yell at co-workers . Distract yourself from the anger moment by doing something positive [e.g., jogging, listening to music]. Use words that are assertive, rather than aggressive, to get your point across. When the moment has passed, try to reflect on what you did well to cope, or how you could make a better choice the next time.

You may benefit from talking to a counsellor about how to put into practice these and other coping strategies. Talking about family experiences that have influenced how you express anger could also be of benefit. Some people find that an anger management group allows an opportunity to share similar experiences. Good luck, and happy problem solving.

I am worried about my mother and I wonder if you can help me. Mom is 76 years old and she lives over on the other side of town. I am her only child. Dad died 8 years ago. I think Mom should move into a nursing home. She has arthritis and is in a lot of pain all the time. She has medication for the pain but sometimes she does not take the medication. I tell her to take it but she ignores me. Mom cannot hear very well and I am worried that someone will come to the door and she will not hear them, or she will forget to pay a bill or she will not take her medication.

Last week I went to visit a nursing home and it was real nice. The head nurse showed me around and told me all about all of the nice things that people who live there get to do. I know that Mom would like it there. Everytime I mention the nursing home to her she gets angry at me and then she starts to cry. All I want to do is to be sure that she is safe and sound and I do not have to worry about her. How can I get her to move into a safe place, Charlotte? I need your help.

Cynthia

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Dealing with issues related to our aging parents can be stressful and incredibly difficult sometimes. People who are older adults right now, particularly those who are over 75 years old, have lived through horrendous stuggles as the world has evolved through their lifetime. It is little wonder that many of them have become fiercely independent. When any of us find our independence challenged, we become scared and perhaps angry as well. Long term care facilities have also evolved and have become welcoming pleasant places to live for the most part. Yet, when an independent older adult considers a move into a home, they often feel sadness at the prospect. Such a move is best reserved as a last resort only.

What may be very helpful to you is to call your local Community Care Access Centre and discuss the options that may be available to help your mom. Home help is sometimes available that allows professionals to offer help in the homes of older adults. If a nursing home becomes an option, that agency will also help your mother to choose a nursing home that is right for her. You might also find a gerontological social worker helpful in working with both of you regarding the independence and dependence issues that stand between you. You might be surprised at the solutions that can be found to allow you to be less worried and your mother to remain in control of her life.

When our parents grow old, most middle aged children get concerned for their welfare and sometimes we think we know what is best for them. But, you know, no one really knows what is best for another person. Your mother’s life has been unique and she may have many good ideas about what is right for her. As long as she is mentally competent, she will continue to make decisions on her own behalf. Good luck in dealing with this difficult family matter.

I am writing to you about my many worries with the hope that you can help me sort things out. I worry about everything, from world catastrophe to how I’m going to be able to pay my mortgage next year. I worry about losing my job. I worry about my children and whether they will be successful in life. I worry about what other people think of me, and imagine that they must have much better lives.

I would like to be as carefree about life as other people are. If I don’t do something to change I think that I’m going to just worry my life away. My mother was a "worrier" and I wonder if I have inherited some "worry genes" from her. If you have any suggestions on how to stop this constant worry please write back.

Signed, Frayed Nerves.

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Sounds like you have days where you feel that the "worries of the world" are on your shoulders. For many people, the demands of day-to-day living bring stress and anxiety that, at times, can feel overwhelming.

Many people worry about world events like war and famine. However, one of the most important strategies to remember during the tough times is to start by taking charge of our own lives. By focusing our energies on recognizing what is realistically within our control, we can learn to better deal with worry. For instance, to set up a buffer against excessive worrying, try coming up with a list of priorities and then an action plan to reach these goals. This could include a financial plan and timetable to pay the mortgage and save for the children’s education to help ensure their future. If you are worried about work performance, ask for feedback from supervisors and colleagues. Remember that practicing a little " positive self-talk" is a good coping skill when you find that worrying is getting the better of you.

Although temperament may partially account for the degree to which people worry, it seems more likely that learning, both from family and from life experiences, rather than genetics, accounts for your tendency to worry excessively. Learning new skills to deal with worry may be more the answer you are looking for.

You might consider some well known stress management techniques: Try keeping a diary or "Journalizing" as a way of keeping track of how frequently you worry. Relaxation exercises such as deep breathing, visualization and progressive muscular relaxation may help. Time management, exercise and leisure activities, proper diet and sleep are areas you may also wish to reflect on more closely. Having a close friend or family member as a confidant may help you to talk through some of your anxieties and place them in perspective. Talking with a counsellor and your family doctor is recommended when worry becomes chronic and obsessive.

Try to relax and enjoy life.