I love my husband Joe. We have two grown kids and one grandchild and have been together for 32 years. I have sometimes worked as a volunteer at the hospital and also have been a day care provider for the last 20 years. I enjoy my work and think I am good at tending to the needs of others.

My husband Joe is very unhappy with our marriage. He says that I do not do enough for him, he yells at me when I do not have supper ready when he comes home and he complains about the way I clean the house. I usually vacuum once per week but he thinks I should vacuum two times each week because we have a dog and the hair is pretty bad sometimes. I try to do what he says, but sometimes I am too busy at work and do not have time. One day he called me a rude name because I was talking with a neighbour when he came home and he said I should be cooking supper for him. Sometimes after we have a big fight, things get better for a while. He will bring me flowers and apologize and treat me real nice. At times like that, I just want to stay together. But I must admit that lately, I have been considering leaving him when he is hostile. I have been reading about spousal abuse and I am wondering if this is an abusive situation. What do you think, Charlotte?

From, Elaine

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Yes it does sound to me like an abusive situation. There may not be physical violence but when you are called rude names, yelled at and ordered to perform chores and your sense of self confidence and personal worth are undermined, such emotional abuse can be extremely destructive and is sometimes a prelude to physical harm. Unfortunately, we cannot deal with abuse situations like the one that you are living with adequately in the column. Each situation is different and requires a very personal and specialized approach by a therapist. A trained counsellor will be able to help you and also your partner to understand yourselves and each other. You will need to look at, your partner’s behaviour and reactions toward you, anger and the ways that you and your partner manage it, the meaning of power and control in your partnership, effective communication strategies and your own reactions to your partner. The counsellor will also be able to talk with you about your own safety needs and about community resources that are available to you. If you are not able to access a counsellor to help you, I recommend that you call the Guelph Distress Centre at 821-3760 or Marianne’s Place at 836-5710. Please do reach out for help and good luck.

I hear and read a lot about childhood sexual abuse these days and I'm beginning to wonder about my own childhood. I can remember that happening to me, but I have always pushed the thoughts and memories away when they came. I didn't tell anyone when it happened and I think I just began to pretend that it didn't happen at all. Now, what I'm reading about sexual abuse has me wondering if this is what is bothering me and what is leading me to do and think the way I am right now.

I have been married for ten years to a great guy. I think we have a good marriage but for two years I have had this feeling that I don't want him to touch me, or even come near me. He is a caring and patient man, but is beginning to wonder what is wrong with me and I haven't yet been able to tell him what I am feeling. We have an eight-year-old daughter, Deidre, whom we both love very much. I am very protective of her and worry that someone may harm her, or abduct her. I don't want these ideas to scare her the way they scare me.

Can you give me some advice and direction about what I can do about these fears and whether they are connected to sexual abuse?

From, Sandra

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It sounds like you could benefit from talking to a therapist about your fears. Only you can decide whether or not these things are connected but I can tell you that it is not uncommon for parents to be triggered by old painful memories of abuse as well as comforting ones of care and nurturing when they are raising and protecting young children. Together with what you are reading, your memories, feelings of wanting to physically distance yourself from your husband and fears for your eight-year-old, it is natural that you would be curious about how these pieces are connected. Please reach out to speak with someone.